i.     ii.     iii.    iv.    v.    t.  —   vii.    viii.

Sometimes you have to make decisions that are going to hurt you, but be responsible for the happiness and pains in your life. It’s much better to deal your own hand of pain than let someone else take that control from you. 

I was at a party last night with people I’d consider the best type of energy to be around, and there was a girl there that I knew of from high school and we talked and she told me that I have the most beautiful mind and I’m such a beautiful person, and that she religiously follows my blog and I don’t know, it just felt so nice to know that even though we don’t really know one another, she already knows me more than most of those people at the party because she’s seen the rawest part of me. 

Realize what you deserve, cherish your own heart, and be aware of the energy you carry around with you. It is everything.

I’ve never appreciated the feeling of skin more than I do right now, its so warm and soft and just ugh what
















Makin lovins and looking at each other the entire time is probably the closest you could ever feel to someone ugh.

banana slices and hot chocolate and revenge and painting my nails

its one thing to be far away from somebody and it’s another thing to feel it

Yoga night. Time to destress my body of every touch, every thing, and every person toxic in my life. Au revoir. 

And is it alright that I feel things too much is it okay because it is the only way I know how to be, feeling too much and hurting too much is the only way I know how to not hurt at all and feeling too much and hurting too much is the only way I know how to be happy, every time I’m around you all I can do is exhaust every inch of myself against you and into you and with you and without you I’m not so sure where to put my hands or which way to lie in bed and I don’t have my own side of the bed anymore without you in it, and my sheets are always cold and whenever you’d be there I wouldn’t dare move with your hand up my shirt cupping my chest and your slurred words turning into nothing but an unconscious attempt to keep everything together, but your body heat smothered me but I couldn’t move because I knew once I got back home (how can you call a place like this home when it seems like i left it on the width of your back) that I’d rather take the warmth than the comfort of being alone, everyone wants to be okay on their own and everyone wants to feel alright on their own but isn’t it possible to be alone with someone else isn’t it possible to be alone and too warm and too uncomfortable but too content to move because at least this whatever the fuck it is exists and at least its making you feel anything at least anything at all. but now city lights and a night skyline only means 4:30 AM struggles to get out of bed knowing it’s the last time you’ll be in it together and a car ride that offers you only short and brief and small clips of their profile that you’ve spent so much time looking back at while it was sleeping, does anyone even fucking pay attention anymore? does anyone like to be looked at? does everyone shy away from having love look directly at them and feel okay with it? because i can’t seem to pay enough attention and i don’t know where to look first and where to look back again and where to look too many times because i don’t know exactly what i’ll miss the most, all i know is every time i see you i look even more - and when you fuck the nights into my body and let it explore the places i couldn’t find alone, and you watch me while you do, and i watch you while you do, and you watch me while i do, and i watch you while i do, and it’s all I can do but to watch and look at you and feel you and know that the night and that california sunset could smother me in it’s sheets whenever it’d like if it meant sharing a bed with you, if it meant sharing a body with you, if it meant sharing some time with you. i know what it means to be far away and it’s okay, it’s alright and it’s too much but i need it to be too much, i want it to be too much, i need it to tear me apart so that i can rearrange my pains and find the sick and seductive happiness that can be drawn from every single one and i need them to drench me and i need you to swallow me whole and i know you don’t even try, i know you might not ever understand the extent it is to which i feel things or the extent to my looking at you but i just need you to know it all means something, and it’s okay, and it all means too much and it’s okay. you are simple in your love and it brings me as much pain as it does contentment and i’ve learned so quickly but roughly in my life with you that there is only a small separation between the two, and i’ve learned that distance can feel much closer than sitting beside you in bed and i’ve learned that your lips taste differently when there’s thoughts sitting on them and i can’t take them down for you, and i’ve learned that little things i do irritate you and that i’ve got a lot of growing up to do, and that’s okay, it’s okay, i’ve got a long way to go and i could never say where we’re going but i hope it’s warm, and i hope i’m smothered and i hope there isn’t ever such a thing again as my side of the bed, only ours and that’s just how i want it to stay. you don’t say much and i don’t know if you feel much either, but i know that i do and even if it were to all fall apart just know that i’ve written about you, and you could grow as far apart from me as you’d like or wouldn’t like, just know that i’ve written about you, and there is no way you could ever leave the bed. just know that i’ve written about you, and right now you are the only way i know how to be.

The movie Silver Linings Playbook is absolutely incredible. Best kinds of tugs at all the right heartstrings. 

when kyle was driving me to the airport saturday morning i remember just sitting there in the car half exhausted just out of sadness and holding his hand watching while lights passed us, and the song “stay” by rihanna was the last song that came on and it was pouring when we got my stuff out of the car and i hugged and kissed him goodbye and it was just the saddest most aching combination of events within a few short minutes, the city lights and the rain and that song and only being able to see our fingers laced together in flickers and the feeling of rushing a goodbye because of the rain but not being able to at the same time. my heart literally aches thinking about it ugh.

There’s always a time to go back home, and a time when home doesn’t feel much like home anymore.

boob   ramblins  

Kyle fell asleep with his hand holding my boob and his leg wrapped around my waist and I can feel his eyelashes moving with his lil baby snores against my back. Baby.

boob   ramblins  

its actually terrifying to be in a relationship with every single concept and emotion that’s involved, sometimes you crave the fear and sometimes you recognize it as just that, fear, and it’s the most horrifying weight in the world